Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Stuck in a Rut

Lately I've been feeling really immobile. Like someone put me in an invisible box and I can't move beyond the confines of it. Right now my life feels like it's divided into 5 categories, 4 of which are not satisfactory to me. They are as follows: Gabe, Work, Budget, Education, Religion. I feel frustrated in all of those areas except religion. When I focus on going to church or participating in church based activities I feel relaxed and calm but the reality is I have other things I need to deal with and that stuff is frustrating me.
Gabe: I guess Gabe and I are doing pretty good. We've moved on in our relationship where I feel happy and fairly secure but now it feels like we've just stopped. When I tell him that I feel this way he just says something like, "I know how you feel but we're working at it and it'll come around." I know my mom and my sister, upon reading this are just going to say, "Break up with him then, you've waited long enough." But I can't bring myself to do that because things really have gotten better and he does seem to be working hard at our relationship, I just don't see any results yet. It's hard for me to know if I should be patient or cut my losses. I don't want to do either. I just want an answer as to where my life is going right now.
Work: I am in charge of all of the marketing, advertising and overall growth of a small insurance office. I am a very good sales person and I usually really enjoy my job. Lately though, things have slowed down a lot around here and it seems like no matter how hard I work at it I can't get it to pick up. Again, I feel like I'm working very hard but not getting any results. We're having a planning meeting on Thursday morning and I'm suppose to come to it with some new ideas of things we could try to pick up production. It is Tuesday afternoon and I got nothin'. I can't think of one single thing. My whole job description is pretty much to have good ideas and I don't have any. I feel like I come to work for 8 hours everyday and I don't accomplish anything but I don't know how to change that.
Budget: I am moving into my new apartment in 3 weks and I am so poor. I thought the couple months I stayed with my parents would give me a chance to get ahead money wise but I ended up using the extra money to take care of some overlooked things (Lexi's surgery, tires on the Jeep, visiting my sister) and instead I'm more broke leaving their house than when I moved in. The part that's really frustrating me is that with the added expenses that are about to come up for me, I don't see any way to get back on top in this area either. It's looking like I'm not going to get a bonus at work any time soon because I can't sell anything. I'm stuck!
Education: I am going to school this fall as a senior in college. I have been in college a very long time and I have no degree. I have enough credits for a doctorate but I change my mind so much that all my classes add up to pretty much nothing. It's REALLY time for me to decide what I want to be when I grow up but I'm having so much trouble with it. I really want to be a nurse but the classes are very time consuming and I don't think I could hold down a full time job at the same time as nursing school. I have to have a full time job because I'm a grown up and I have to pay my rent. I could graduate with a degree in Literature within about 1 year but I don't know what I would do with that once I graduated. I don't have any experience in any fields that have to do with a literature degree and I don't think I could get a job. I could follow my current career course and get a marketing degree but I don't see the point since I don't really like marketing. I just do it because I'm good at it and it pays my bills (sort of). I already have a good job in marketing and if I'm just going to stick with it I don't really need a degree, I already have enough experience to back me up in this field and more college would be a waste of time.
What should I do? I know a lot of people who love me and a lot of strangers read this blog and I'm open to any ideas. What do you guys think?

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