Saturday, August 06, 2016
I haven't posted to my blog in over a year. It's been such a hard year, and I haven't known how to begin to put a framework of words around it. I haven't known what to say on my blog, to my coworkers, to my family, to my kids. I still don't know what to say, but I'm worried that if I don't start saying something, I'll just never say anything real ever again. Divorce is a common thing, that around half of the US population goes through. There is a divorce every 36 seconds in our country, and yet the whole thing has left me feeling so isolated and peculiar. I have felt painted into a corner of grief and misunderstanding, but I have experienced miracles being poured upon me in the form of support from my tribe, and love from my Savior.
I know that everyone is looking for an explanation for what happened to my marriage. We're all looking for some sort of answer or pattern that would reveal how we go from being a whole family, to being a fraction. I wish I had an answer, but I don't, and I don't think I ever will. Somehow we just went from, "Life is hard but we're gonna make it," to "We'll be okay, we'll be okay, we'll be okay," to "Everything's not fine, and I don't think it's ever been fine, and I can't make the not fine stop." I can't tell you how we got there. I can't tell you how I could have avoided it. I certainly can't tell you where I go from here.
Here's what I can tell you: Somehow, one day at a time, life crawls along, and a new rhythm begins to emerge. Right now, things are horribly offbeat, but I can hear the consistent thumping of normalcy somewhere up ahead, and I have hope that I'll be able to match my stride to it someday. My kids need that, and I need it to.
I can tell you that my little, broken family is beautiful and sweet, and that we can love each other fiercely through anything, even the painful things. My kids have shown a level of forgiveness, understanding and compassion that I didn't think small children were capable of. I feel badly that they've had to tap into that at such a young age, but I'm so, so proud that they found it when we all needed it. When the three of us, my girls and I, are all home together, and things are quiet and calm, I can feel a strength and a bond that seems to be pulling us through.
I can tell you that there is comfort for my spirit any time I turn to my Heavenly Father and ask for help. It's not even that he comes when I call. It's that He's already there waiting, as soon as I turn in His direction. There's not even a moment's hesitation on His end. I reach out my hand, and He's there to take it, every time. I didn't understand the nearness of Him before this year, and I'm only beginning to understand it now. Even in times of intense grief, my gratitude for His love is a positive emotion that I can feel any time. It lets me know that I'm still a person who is capable of good things.
Finally, I can tell you that I'm gonna be okay. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I think it's inevitable that things will smooth out. Right? If you're reading this, you're probably someone who I love, so thank you!!