Tuesday, August 15, 2017

The Trappings of Math

I wish I were good at math.
I wish I were good at things that were certain and predictable and unwavering.
I wish I knew answers that were exact and correct and precise.
I wish I followed a process, step by step, line by line, until I ended at a solution, full of satisfaction and justification and proof.
I wish I could equate and balance and boil down to a nice, even, whole number.

But don't I just waver?
Don't I just ebb and flow?
Don't I just roll in and roll out and crash against the shore and go still and glassy on the surface?
Don't I just fight and spit and throw off those stays when all the calmness lies in being solved and secured and understood?
Don't I just flap in the breeze whenever a headwind comes around?
Don't I just come up off and disjointed and half?

Things might work out differently if I were better at math.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Online Dating, Job Interviews, and My Real Answers to Loaded Questions

I’m feeling pretty good, guys! It was touch-and-go for a minute there, but I really feel like the person walking around in my skin actually resembles me these days, so I’m calling that progress. The kids are happy and healthy, homeownership suits me, I start a new job on Monday, and my sweet boyfriend makes a cute accessory to every outfit. It looks like I’m moving onward and upward, but this nice, new view required some climbing in the forms of job interviews and dating.

Long story short, I’ve spent quite a bit of time the past few months trying to explain myself to a lot of people in the simplest terms possible. I had to curb the sarcasm and the cynicism, which really took the shine off of my responses to the multitude of questions being hurled in my direction. So, here are my real answers to the questions I’ve been fielding using my best, and most well-behaved foot.

How My Job Interview Would Sound

- Describe your current position: Fetal. I’m a little stressed out about money.

-What obstacles have you overcome in order to achieve success?: Two words; potty training.

-What is your biggest weakness?: I’m an enabler, and I have bad taste in men.

-What's your biggest strength?: My eyes are up here, buddy.

-Why should we hire you?: My mom says I’m pretty and smart.

How My Dating Profile Would Read

-What’s your family like?: We need a therapist present, a sedative, and about 48 hours of uninterrupted time before I can paint you an accurate picture.

-What’s your favorite color?: I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told a toddler who woke me up at 4 am to answer that burning, insightful question. Sleep. Sleep is my favorite color.

-What’s your love language?: Tell the truth, dude. Honesty is my love language.

-How many people have you slept with?: Insert whatever arbitrary number makes you feel like I’m experienced enough to make you comfortable, without making you feel like I’m slutty.

-What do you do for fun?: Binge watch Masterpiece Theatre, read 17th century romance novels, and play Skip-Bo. Try to keep up, buddy. I’m looking for a true adventure partner.

Any questions?